Chowka

When the film started, the ridiculous CGI birds were the only thing I could reasonably hate on.

At some point, though, that all changed when--and I am not making this up--only the first few words of every line were being subtitled, and I did something good for my sanity by giving up & going home.


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Nenu Local

Every time a character smokes or drinks, there is a warning printed on the screen suggesting that the viewer shouldn't do these things.

Why is there no such warning when our "hero" sneaks into a woman's bedroom, sprays anesthesia in her face, and absconds with her unconscious body?




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Naruda DONORuda

This Vicky Donor remake we never knew we needed has plenty of popping cork imagery, poorly-produced musical scenes--and yes, also plenty of fun & funny moments.

They key here, as with the original, is to leave at intermission.





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Parched

Horror gets laid upon horror, upon more horror.

It's really a wonder these women can manage a smile at the end.




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Jai GangaaJal

Sure, she's gorgeous, but Abha Mathur is no-nonsense: she is tougher than any man under her command (or above her rank); she doesn't engage in singing & dancing; she isn't mooning over any man; and she does not--even once--stand in front of any damned wind machine.

Such a role is rare even here in the U.S., and I'm sure Priyanka Chopra's leading tough-guy madam-sir role owes a lot to her success as a TV star in Quantico.


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Wazir

I was going to call this movie's genre "revenge porn," but I am told by the Wiki page that what I should say is "crime thriller."  

As such, there are many of the expected stunts and FX, but the one special effect that had me absolutely staring the whole time was Amitabh Bachchan's hairline.



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Meet the Patels

Poor Mama & Papa Patel: they are burdened with a couple of kids in their 30s, and are desperate, willing to spend whatever money it takes, to fly them wherever it takes, make whatever compromises it takes, to just finally get on the road to grandchildren. 

You can tell that a certain point, they're just relieved their offspring are seemingly hetero.





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Bāhubali: The Beginning

Wait: I just sat through this fourteen-hour movie (give or take several hours)--no intermission--to learn that there is absolutely no resolution to the plot until "Baahubali: The Conclusion" comes out next year, by which time I will remember none of this?

Okay, so maybe the subtitle "the Beginning" should have given me the hint...


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Badlapur

If someone killed your wife & kid, you'd go a little nuts.

Maybe not this nuts.



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Kick

Sad psychiatrist meets adrenaline junkie.

What happens next has all the acting subtlety of a Disneyland stage show.


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Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania

A dance scene on a rock wall, a 3-D piñata, and even a hot li'l love scene--I'm all in!

With all the modern cinematic advances, though, you'd think they'd be able to do something about chest-shaving bumps.

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Oppa Bollywood Style

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Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana

If the movie ever spins itself off into frozen dinners, this would make an OK box.
I don't know if they'll want to be totally honest on the ingredients label, though.

I enjoyed this movie that is sort-of-tangentially-but hardly-at-all-really about cooking tasty food, and it gave me an idea for a recipe that surely someone, somewhere has tried before.

It would be helpful, wouldn't it, to counteract heartburn & stomach upset by slipping pepto right into the food!

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English Vinglish

So good, and so fun to watch, it could have been a Top-3 box-office hit.

That is, if it weren't for the fact that American audiences don't like to read their movies.

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Raula Pai Gaya - Fun Unlimited

A singularly-awful movie: "comedy" accentuated by the overuse of sound effects rather by creating actual laughs, editing that would be mocked by an eighth-grader on YouTube, and perhaps the worst & most unnecessary attempted use of CGI I have ever seen.

If I had actually liked anything about the movie, I would have been irritated by the incompetent subtitling, which went out at random, and when it was on, employed spelling & grammar only marginally better than that which I've seen on signs at Tea Party rallies.



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Joker

Will the evil American destroy our hero's plan to fake an alien landing (and thus save his village)?

The horrible Western actors in Bollywood films must NEVER win!



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Ek Tha Tiger

Makes at least as much sense as any other action/spy movie, even setting itself up for possible sequels.

Not sure how much it does for India/Pakistan relations, though.




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Cocktail

It's ridiculous to call out a Bollywood film for being realistic--but this is a ridiculous website, so let me say these two woman really handled the whole situation way too well.

Also, I am happy to report this film has nothing to do with Tom Cruise.



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Bol Bachchan

I think this movie's biggest mistake is the fact it is being widely-billed as a comedy--and most of the time, it doesn't even seem to be trying to be funny.

Bonus points, though, for not subtitling the musical numbers; that tells me that I can safely take a bathroom break without worrying that the plot might be furthered.

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Rowdy Rathore

Lead actor Akshay Kumar plays two characters, one of whom has faked his death in a flash-forward scene, and one of whom (not necessarily the other) dies (or fakes it) later on in the action.

It doesn't matter if you are confused now or during the watching of the film, or even whether you can recall any of what happened later--because the goings-on are that much fun to watch.

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